Just Leave Us Alone

Parents I know who have children on the spectrum often lament, 'if only "they" would leave us alone', our kids would be fine.

How true. How many times has your child been having a perfectly wonderful day and then someone says something, does something in response to you and your child? I suppose that the outcome of such situations is dependent on how you control your own emotions and behaviour. But sometimes, it's very difficult.

A perfect example of this is School Boards who make it their purpose to heap as much trouble, frustration, financial strain and anquish on you as they possibly can. All of this is in addition to what you are doing for your child at home and and in his community. A parent of child who did not have autism has very little idea and I doubt would even put up with it.

I believe our children mirror the beliefs, attitudes and fears of those around them. My child is not mean to other children, loves all those who love him and is devoid of most of those things that make some humans inhuman. Yet, it takes very little for him to 'trigger' others into cursing him (and me) and even less for others to treat him as something sub-human.

It's not just here in Northern Ireland. I was in a large American city recently and was in a queue waiting to pay for my shopping. My son saw something he wanted in the next aisle and was making it very clear to me that he wanted it. Up until that moment we had been having a perfect day.

An old man queued behind us with his trolley. By this time my son was on his haunches refusing to move. The old man said, if you don't get up I am going to run you over with my trolley'! I shook my head in shock at what this ole crone said and responded with something particularly pithy, vengeful and exacting. The old man recoiled in horror at what I said to him. Meanwhile, my child was oblivious to the old man's threat, and was still protesting on the ground. My son had been physically threatened by an 80 year old who probably had great great grandchildren. No compassion, no patience and no understanding. The best part was my son wasn't even in this man's way. He must have thought I 'needed' a lesson on child discipline, or rather child abuse!

Here in Belfast not too long ago, we had lined up behind a man in an ATM and my child said 'hurry up'(rightly so, the guy didnt know how to use his cash card and was taking forever). Before I had a chance to say to my child that what he said was inappropriate, this man turned around with a horrible scowl on his face, looked down at my smiling son and said, 'what did you say?' in a very threatening manner. I replied 'he said hurry up!'

Muttering something quite distasteful under his breath, he moved away and proceeded to stare at my son and me until we finished our business. I felt like calling the police and could only think about how my son would deal with such a situation if I wasn't there.

Finally, a month ago in yet another queue (queues are such fun) a woman who was standing behind me in what is a very typical Northern Ireland style (she was so close to me, I could feel her breath on my neck,and her trolley was rammed up against the back of my legs) she was 'tsk - tsking about my boy who was touching items in the next person's shopping basket.

I turned around to see where this annoying sound was coming from and saw a very hard looking woman. She was spray tanned, bleached blonde and clearly a victim of middle aged spread standing with her very young and very pregnant daughter. They both had that 'look', you know the one, particularly in some women with little self esteem who 'dare' you to stare them down.  My other children were with me, equally agitated as me about the carry on.

A bit of 'discussion' ensued between me and them. My son looked at these people with a huge smile, oblivious to their scorn and uttered 'hello'. Neither of them responded and my son said 'hello' again. I told him, 'some people don't know how to talk'. Who has the problem here?

Something in what my son was doing triggered the need in all of these people to react negatively. My son is a contented child and it amazes me how he brings out the worst in people. I can only surmise that either 1. there are a lot of very unhappy people out there, or 2. his failure to comply with their very selective social rules is a threat. Obviously the 16 year old very pregnant young woman who was behind us did not comply with certain rules either and I could very well have made a number of judgements and even comments. Considering her mother was rather formidable looking, I doubt anyone would ever contemplate such behaviour at least whilst she was around. It was ok though for them to chide me and my boy for something completely trivial and unimportant.

The problem, at least in our house, is never the 'autism' - it's usually you.