Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.....

Every single night the prayer is the same....

Dear Heavenly Father, please make me a better mother tomorrow. Please let me wake with a smile on my face and a fresh attitude. Please let tomorrow be a good day.......And then I pray for the safety of my children, my family, to have peace in my life, and anything else that comes to mind.

I am fortunate to have many friends with unyielding faith. These friends accept what God has given them - no matter what their circumstances. But the truth is, none of them (of the ones to whom I am closest) have a child with autism - or any special needs, for that matter. Through them and in many books I have read, it seems true faith only comes when we not only accept what God has given us, but desire it as well. Honestly, I'm having a hard enough time accepting it, let alone ever having a desire for it. It is beyond imaginable for me to even fathom the possession of a desire to deal with what I go through every single day. Why can't I get passed this?

This morning started the same as each morning. I got up, greeted the day, said "Hi, Buddy!" to Reiss and got the morning going. All was well until after Daddy left for work and Reiss decided to change from wearing his shorts to wearing a pair of pants that are too short for him. They were sitting in the laundry room waiting for their banishment to the basement storage bins where all the other outgrown clothes go to rest. Reiss got them out and there was no way I was letting him wear these so-short-they-are-above-the-ankles pants. We already draw enough attention out in public, so having people think I don't provide well-fitting clothes for my children is not something I want to add. So Reiss had these pants and I was putting up a fight and so was he and I was done with it all much sooner than he was. He continued to cry and scream and throw his fit and ask why he couldn't wear the pants for just a few seconds shy of forty-five minutes.

The pants episode passed and we had a few relative moments of peace around here only to have it broken by a ten-minute tantrum about the toddler potty being moved. This is the honest-to-God truth: I went to the bathroom to use it myself (yes, call me high-maintenance, but I actually go in there for myself occasionally) and as I was getting up, my foot touch the potty and scooted it across the floor all of maybe one-half of an inch. Since there is tile in the bathroom, of course Reiss could hear the potty scoot across the floor even while being two rooms away. He came running, scooted the potty back to its proper place - lined up on the grout line of the third row of tiles running in front of the sink - and proceeded to throw a tantrum and scream at me in an accusing manner for moving the potty.

Honestly, I believe global governments are missing out on a wonderful method of torture for prisoners. Just put them in the same room as a child with autism who has OCD tendencies. It's enough to make anyone talk - anything to make it stop. And hey, with the growing rate of autism, governments would never find themselves with a shortage of new torturers. If one child's antics aren't enough, just bring in another.....I'm sure, sooner or later, the perfect combination of autistic child's behaviors and prisoner's tolerance level to such behaviors will be enough to "break" the prisoner into doing whatever is asked.

Okay, really, I am being serious now. No government torture or anything.

I feel like every day of my life is like my own personal screening of the movie "Groundhog Day." Only instead of the main character, me, finding advantages to the same daily events and working them in my favor, I just grow wearier and wearier by the day. Every day I can 99% certain count on the following things happening:

* Reiss having a fit over the color of cup I have given him to use for the day. It doesn't matter that he was given a choice and he chose the color given to him. Every day I can count on him throwing a fit at some point during the day and asking me over and over and over, "Why'd you give me the (insert color here) cup today?"

* Reiss wanting to have the same exact clothes on that Daddy is wearing, only to change them into something else immediately after James leaves for work. This is where the tantrum over the pants came in today.

* Reiss getting bent out of shape when he hears the toddler potty scoot even a millimeter from that grout line where he has declared that it must reside.

* Reiss having a meltdown about something and then having an entirely separate meltdown because I took more time than what he felt necessary in order for me to get him a tissue to wipe his tears from the first meltdown.

* Reiss throwing a fit about not wanting to go sit on the potty to do #1 or #2 or both. And then often does one or the other or both in his pants.

* Reiss throwing a tantrum at dinner time and refusing to sit down. We can only use a booster chair for so long. After he outgrows that, I don't know how we'll keep him strapped and sitting. Maybe I should ask my Dad since he seems to think it's reasonable to expect a three-year-old (and not just any 3-year-old, an autistic 3-year-old) to sit through a two-hour birthday lunch....and that's after the one-hour drive to the restaurant where said lunch was held. You're probably saying, "I thought Reiss was four years old." And you're right. Reiss is indeed four years old but not so long ago he was three years old and we were invited to a niece's birthday lunch at a restaurant an hour from our home and we declined to accept the invitation because Milla was only five months old and Reiss will not sit for a one-hour drive and then through a two-hour lunch...but try to explain that to someone who has never raised an autistic child and someone who thinks I'm a bad parent to begin with and well, you get the idea. I'm not going to get started......

Could any sane person actually want these things? Many times I am reminded that we can only change ourselves, not others, but it seems no matter how positive I start each day, no matter how positively I try to handle each tantrum or situation for Reiss, it doesn't change his actions. Seriously....I have a deep desire to have a stronger faith but I just can't get past the requisite wanting to endure any of the above every day of my life. Somewhere I am missing something. Someone please help me figure it all out...