Please Make These Thoughts STOP!!!!

I had this post all typed out and sitting as a "Draft" under my "Posting" tab on my Blogger dashboard and then realized that perhaps I may want to preface it with a few thoughts for those who don't live within the puzzle of autism on a daily basis.

Sometimes my posts may seem depressing. Do I realize this? Yes. Do I want to fix it? No. Life isn't always about grins and giggles and neither is this blog. For those who have children with autism, you know it is a long, long journey during the grieving process after having a child diagnosed with ASD. I am not bragging but for Reiss only having been officially diagnosed about eight months ago, I think I'm doing pretty darn well. I read blogs of parents who are further along than we are in this process and they are still grieving tremendously.

For those who don't have children on the autism spectrum....well, count your lucky stars and know that for many of us out there, not a day goes by where we don't have at least one moment during our day when we are reminded of something our children may never do. Is that to say I don't hope for the world for my child with autism? No, it's just being realistic.

If you have a child with autism, you know what I'm about to say isn't anything we spectrum parents haven't at least thought of, if not voiced. And if you don't have a child with autism, don't judge me. I am not a horrible person. Yes, I realize it is my child who is the real victim here, so please know that I also do not mean to sound like a martyr in all this. You have no idea what it's like to be a parent in my position.

Now, having said all that, here is the original post...........

Lately I have been having some strange random thoughts. You know how sometimes you just let your mind wander while you're doing the laundry or dishes or enjoying that blissful five minutes standing under the running shower water? Well, lately those little blurbs of time have me a bit troubled about the future. Reiss is what is considered "high-functioning" and while I do try to remain optimistic about his potential in life, I can't help but think sometimes about things like........

At age four, we are still potty-training Reiss. I do hope he will be potty-trained and soon but that also leads to the next step: Using the bathroom alone out in public. Generally, I don't pay attention to all the stares and whispers out in public that we so often attract when Reiss is being quirky or having a tantrum or, God forbid, being different than other children (that's sarcasm, people!). But what happens in a few years when Reiss is potty-trained and he needs to use the restroom out in public and Daddy isn't with us? Let's say he's ten years old and we're in the grocery and he absolutely cannot hold it until we get home. Then what do I do? I can't reasonably take him in the women's restroom but I'm sure I would not want him to go in a men's restroom alone either.

I know all mothers - even those of typical children - face this same dilemma of when to let their sons in a public restroom alone but Reiss doesn't have the capacity to tell me when something has happened. Maybe by then he will but it's one of those things.....

What happens if the school "fails" us?
It used to be that I had my mind made up in regards to my children's education and I knew I would homeschool. That was before autism. That was before I felt so inept at knowing how to teach my son simple tasks such as the proper way to hold a writing instrument. I know there are other parents of children with autism who homeschool and do it successfully but I feel lost in a vast sea without a lifeline. I feel like I don't have what it takes to educate Reiss myself and scared of what may happen if the public school system proves itself to be similarly incompetent.

Will Reiss always have "pronomial confusion?"
Many times - correction, make that "most" of the time - Reiss gets "I," "you," and "me" mixed up. James and I understand what he is trying to say because we have been around him and listen to him talk all the time. For the most part, we try to correct him. For other people though, it can be very confusing to distinguish between when Reiss is talking about himself and when he is referring to the person to whom he is speaking. He may say something like, "Why did I go outside?" What he means to ask is "Why did you go outside?"

Will Reiss ever have an interest in activities in which typical children - and even many children with ASD - are interested?
We can go to the zoo and I'm not certain Reiss even knows we are there to see animals. He is so easily distracted that we literally have to physically direct his line of vision to the animals and tell him what he is seeing.

He does not watch television. I know, to some of you, this is probably a blessing but before you go counting my blessings, think about all those times you are able to put your child in front of the tv for five, ten, or fifteen minutes so that you can take a shower, make a phone call in a relatively peaceful surrounding, pay some bills....or whatever other things one might do while getting a small break from their child. I don't have that.

Reiss' idea of a great time is changing his shirt multiple times per day, taking off and putting on different shoes, insisting that they be tied "too tight."

Reiss loves hanging all over Daddy or myself - practically smothering us with what I like to think of as love but it can sometimes be overwhelming when it is all the time. Is he still going to be doing this at 8? 10? 16? I love my children with all my heart but seriously, sometimes I just want to be alone or at the very least, without a child on my lap, on my breast, or touching me in some way. I am not kidding when I say I can probably count on one hand how many times I have gotten to use the bathroom in the last four years without there being at least one child in the bathroom with me. I could close the door but then I would have to listen to the fitful cries. And really, I don't know about you, but when I go to the bathroom, having to listen to the urgency of a child crying does nothing for me as far as relaxing and focusing on doing "Number 2."

Will Reiss ever understand there are times when we just need to be quiet?
Reiss has two operating modes: Asleep and Deafeningly Loud. I feel like we do everything we can to try to get him to be quiet sometimes. Having a conversation with my husband is next to impossible. Watching tv while Reiss is awake is impossible. Making phone calls during the day is next to impossible. Sometimes I would just like some quiet.

I'm not one of those parents who grieves thinking their son or daughter will never be the top high school jock or the cheerleading captain. I'm not hoping for Reiss to be President someday. He doesn't even need to act like a typical child for me to be happy. I would just feel a little more comfortable with some sort of normalcy in my life.

I'm not complaining.....please don't get me wrong. Sometimes I just wonder.......