Cry Me A River!

Yep! That's what I'm gonna do. There's already a river flowing in our yard from all the rain we have had today so I might as well add to it with my tears.

Disclaimer: This is going to be a whiney, self-pity party kind of post and it's MY bloggy so I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to......Consider yourself warned. If you're not up for what is to come, I suggest you leave now.

Today is the Fourth of July. It is supposed to be sunny outside with the air full of the aroma of backyard barbecues. But is it? NO! It's been gloomy all day and raining for the last seven hours straight.

Although it was cloudy outside, my day started out pretty decently with our traditional Saturday morning routine of James and Reiss making pancakes for Pancake Saturday. We are now using this recipe and it comes closest to the texture of regular (as opposed to gluten-free, casein-free) pancakes as any other GFCF pancake recipe I have found. Word of warning to anyone who tries it: the pancakes soak up the maple syrup and easily become very saturated. I've noticed we use a lot more syrup with these pancakes than we have in the past, so if you're trying to watch sugars (including natural ones), this may not be the recipe for you.

After breakfast, I was able to get more cleaning done than typical Saturday mornings. James and Reiss always go to the bank on Saturday mornings and regardless of the fact that it is closed today, they went today as well. Hey, the less straying Reiss has from his routine, the better. They were gone for a little while and then soon came home. Then a friend called and that's when things started to go downhill.

The kids came in where I was talking on the phone and Reiss grabbed the phone headset (we have a cordless headset to wear for hands-free operation) and then Milla started screaming about who-knows-what and then James came and got them and took them out of the room and started slamming doors, to which I got off the phone and asked him about, and then we had a little tiff, and blah, blah, blah.

We all got ready to leave and we didn't get to eat our normal Saturday Chinese lunch because - surprisingly - the place we go to every week was closed for the Fourth of July. We went and got lunch from somewhere else and, as usual and I hate to admit, Milla could not sit in the highchair for more than five or ten minutes without screaming. Another thing that grates on me.....

Now, if you ask my dad or my step-mom or my mother-in-law or probably anyone over the age of fifty or heck, for all I know, anyone who has had a child who didn't mind sitting in a highchair, I am sure they will all say to just make the child sit in the chair and they will get used to it. Well, that's all fine and good when we are at home but the problem we have here is that a) we were in public and I refuse to be "that" family who everyone stares at because the child is left to scream endlessly and b) Milla is a puker. Yes, I was "blessed" with having a child who, when she reaches a certain point in her mood of upset, will begin to blow chunks on everything and everyone around her because she is not only a vomiter, but a projectile vomiter. And seriously, if you're out to eat, is that really something you want to watch from a child at a neighboring table after being subjected to five minutes of crying because the parents were forcing her to "get used to" the highchair?

After lunch, we left and went to a party of some friends on a neighboring street from our home. We knew there would be food there but we ate lunch out anyway, because the kids were starving and frankly, so were James and I.

The party was meant to be a pool/birthday/Fourth of July party. Again, it's been raining here all day, so no swimming. The kids would not stay with the other kids and play. Milla's very young so I don't expect it a whole lot from her. Reiss, on the other hand, is always so far up in mine or my husband's rears, I sometimes wonder if he even understands other children do exist.

Now before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, yes, I know that anti-social behavior is a symptom of autism and I should know this and be used to it and blah, blah, blah....easy for parents to say when they don't live with a child with autism and don't have to deal with the good, the bad, and the ugly of it every day. These habits and symptoms are relentless. Typical children are much more easily encouraged into cooperation. However, one cannot simply turn off autism. I wish I could but it doesn't work like that.

I knew, knew, knew I should have gotten someone to watch the kids so that James and I could go and have a good time and be social but did I listen to that inner voice? No. We spent an hour with Milla hanging on me and then going to one of the nieces (who Milla is familiar with) and being semi-comforted and Reiss hanging on James the whole time.

I just sometimes feel like we have no social life. I didn't get someone to watch the kids today because I was counting on sun, fun, and swimming. Had the freaking sun come out, there would have been our friends' nieces swimming and helping Reiss and Milla and James and I could have relaxed. But noooooo, Indiana weather can never cooperate with the holidays. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that it also rained on the last holiday weekend (Memorial Day) as well.

Even our friends who were having the party have two sons with autism and their children aren't all "up in them" like Reiss is with us all the time. One of their sons is totally anti-social but rather than need to be attached to a parent all the time, he prefers to stay in his room much of the time. The other is somewhat anti-social but will at least sit in social settings, even if he doesn't interact with others.

It just gets so exhausting sometimes when you have a child who refuses to self-entertain. When Reiss is left to his own devices with me during the day if I am say, loading the dishwasher or whatever, his version of self-entertaining entails lying on top of Milla and squashing her or somehow hurting her in other ways. Or he will go tear something apart or be destructive. Gaahhh!!! Sometimes I just look at him and yearn for that little boy who used to push the laundry basket around and "help" me do the laundry, even when "helping" meant cleaning up two loads of clean laundry he had scattered all over the floor. At least then it was sweet and not mean-spirited. Now he refuses to help with the laundry and prefers to entertain himself by hurting someone or something.

Okay, I'm done whining. I have saved many of the details of this latest bout of depression because it's just too depressing to put words to the screen, not to mention, the fear of having you all think I'm just plain nuts. Thankfully, I do know there are a few of you out there reading who have children with autism and know exactly the kind of day I'm having (BTW, thank you for all your encouraging comments and email messages!!!). That's not to say I don't appreciate those people who have typical children who come here and read my ramblings, it's just that I know it's very difficult to walk in another's shoes when you've never been there yourself.

Blah, blah, blobbity, blah.....Here's to hoping tomorrow really is sunny - literally and figuratively.