A Heavy Heart

Back in November, right before Reiss's "official" diagnosis, I think I hit my lowest. Although my husband and I had known for months that Reiss has autism, we were still awaiting a professional diagnosis. It was around this time that I was having the "Why me, God?" attitude. It hit it highest point - or perhaps I should say I hit my lowest point - one evening when I went to a women's ministry gathering that I usually try to attend each month. It's a very small group of women and we talk about whatever is on the evening's agenda and then it typically moves to "mom" chatting.

On this particular evening, we had watched the episode of Oprah where she interviewed the school principal who had stretched herself so thinly that she left her two-year-old child in her SUV in sweltering heat and the little girl died. Before that evening, I had wondered how anyone could do such a thing. I couldn't even fathom leaving my children in a hot car, even by accident.

We discussed the Oprah show and one thing led to another and we got on the subject of my son and I just let it all pour out. I admitted to sometimes feeling so hopeless that it had occurred to me on an almost daily basis how easily I could just kill myself and end it all. I know these other moms probably couldn't possibly understand what I was going through but I shared it all anyway.

In only a few months since that evening I feel that I have come a very long way. I've gone from feeling suicidally hopeless to optimistic at what the future will bring for my son. It has become my mission to learn about any and all treatments other parents of children with autism have found success in using.

I really do genuinely try to put out a 110% effort at being patient with my son. Anyone who has a child with autism knows that dealing with a child or children like this is the ultimate test of patience. Children with autism are nothing like typical (again, I will explain that the word "typical" is not used as a derogative. It is how the medical community refers to children who do not have autism.) children in their behaviors. I sometimes want to yell this to anyone who will listen.

We used to go to the library at least one day per week before my daughter was born. Now that my daughter is walking, it is nearly impossible to go without the aid of my husband. While all the other moms are relaxing and chatting and their children are either playing or calmly sitting at the computers, there I am chasing my son all over the place. Many children with autism do not respond to traditional disciplinary methods. They are not brats, it just doesn't click in their little heads. And this isn't just me spouting lame excuses for a child who runs around the library like a heathen - I hear this time and time again from other parents of children with autism. Finding that ever-elusive magic trick to getting an autistic child to behave seems to be the goal of many parents I come across these days.

So where was I going with this?

I've noticed that I seem to go in these phases where one day I might be ready to conquer the world and be the end-all educator and super-spokesperson for all parents of autistic children. Days like that I feel compelled to somehow find a way to let parents of typical children know that they have it so easy but without sounding so disgruntled and bitter at my own situation and without trying to make them feel bad that their own children are "normal." Oh, how I hate that word!

And then the next day or the day after or whenever, I take a turn and have one of those "why-can't-things-just-be-easier?" days. It will be one of those days and rather than be compassionate with my son, I can't help but get a tad annoyed when he cries because the tears are getting him wet. Logic tells me that all the explaining in the world isn't going to make him understand that the more he cries, the more wet his cheeks are going to be, but I still get annoyed. I get mad that God would make a child have sensory issues to a point that he cries even more because his tears from crying in the first place are getting him wet. He doesn't understand that if he would just stop crying he wouldn't have tears that are getting him wet that are upsetting him more and making him cry and getting him wet and.....It's like chasing your tail! By the way, have I mentioned Reiss has some sensory issues??? I can't help but want for him to be "normal" or "typical" or anything but autistic when he has a day when all he wants to do is untie and re-tie his shoes 3248 times or change his shirt every twenty minutes.

So many things are the same every single day. It sometimes feels like Reiss is going to be three forever and never grow out of some of these things he does. Some days I honestly feel like I'm living my own personal "Groundhog Day" (the movie) hellish nightmare.

Pray...pray for Reiss. Pray for me. Pray that tomorrow we wake up and it's no longer Groundhog Day!